1000 Reasons Why I Hate Edward Cullen
by pencilwithoutlead
Summary: Don't get me wrong here. I love his family. I just hate him. I suck at summaries so if you want an idea of what it is like please read and find out ;)
1. Reason Number 1: Conceition

_Disclamer: I do not own Twilight. I wanted to give my own satirical spin on Bella, and mainly because I hate that twinkle-dicked emotionally manipulative abusive fairy princess named Edward Cullen with a utmost deepest loathing. This is Non-Canon, and ultimately, I will be doing a poll further into the story for who Bella ends up lovin' and etc etc._

 _I'm using the characters for my own scenario. Nothin' more, nothin' less._

 _Oh yeah, there will be Edward bashing. And lots of it._

 _With all of that said; please enjoy._

 **O N E: Can't walk straight**

 _"I've never given much thought as to how I would die... But dying for-"_

I snorted, derision filling my brain, snapping the stalking supporting, abusive novel in front of me shut with a resounding _kep_ sound. If there's one thing that Meyer got wrong in her novels, it was that Bella would be with that sonofabitch.

I pondered that for a while. We both had the same name, we both moved to a town called Forks. Both of us had to sit next to a complete nutjob every Tuesday for bio...

Who has TIME for that kind of crap. I'm gonna live, thank you _very_ much.

Which brought me back to my current scenario of trying not to die during Gym Class.

I don't particularly like swearing, but rest assured I can sincerely tell you that Gym Class has a word for it in my head. More specifically, a sentance.

 _FUCKING TORTURE._

All in all I got hit 5 times with a tennis ball today so I'm feeling kinda... blergh.

Walking out of Gym Class, now changed into my very average outfit of a pair of jeans, comfy sneakers and a white shirt with a black jacket on top, I saw _him_ waiting for me.

For the umpteenth time, I cursed myself as to why I didn't talk to Charlie about getting a restraining order on him.

Blergh.

"You have a tendency to trip over thin air, you know that? You should pay more attention to where you walk." He murmured, attempting to seem seductive. _Attempting_ being the key word in that sentance.

The girls behind me were having their ovaries exploding and staring as though he was the sweet baby Jesus and all I could reply was (without embarrassing myself like an idiot) "Well, at least I don't have to look at your face when I do, because the floor makes a nice, beautiful alternative instead of looking at your ugly ass face."

Burn, if I do say so myself.

His eyebrows furrowed. "Why are you so abstinant towards me, yet you converse with my family?"

I simply rolled my eyes, Mike Newton now standing behind me patiently waiting, all the while glaring at his face, "Because, Cullen, I have standards. And two, you creep me out."

And with that, I went to lunch, and treated myself to some strawberries.


	2. T W O: Attempted Seduction

_Disclamer: I do not own Twilight. I wanted to give my own satirical spin on Bella, and mainly because I hate that twinkle-dicked emotionally manipulative abusive fairy princess named Edward Cullen with a utmost deepest loathing. This is Non-Canon, and ultimately, I will be doing a poll further into the story for who Bella ends up lovin' and etc etc._

 _I'm using the characters for my own scenario. Nothin' more, nothin' less._

 _Oh yeah, there will be Edward bashing. And lots of it._

 _With all of that said; please enjoy._

 **T W O** **Attempted Seduction**

Swanning off to the Canteen (get it?) I couldn't help but feel like I had won and had defeated the douchebag known as Edward Cullen.

HAH. BELLA SWAN 1, EDWARD CULLEN 0.

I continued my internal happy monologue whilst standing in line, grabbing a chicken baguette, can of lemonade and strawberries.

I made my way over to my regular table, and I noticed the Cullens grinning at me and Emmett and Jasper were actually trying not to laugh.

Bonus Point: Edward looked mutinous.

I sat next to Angela, who smiled at me. Angela was such a sweet girl, I loved hanging out with her. She kept me sane.

Jessica Stanley took no time in diving into the gossip, which just happened to be my exquisite burning of Edward after Gym Class.

"Bella! Is it true you called Edward Cullen-" Jessica started to gush, Jasper cutting in.

"Howdy, Bella. So, what's new? Fancy taking a walk with me and Alice?" He murmured, kindly extending his hand. I noted that he was wearing gloves. After all, it was cold outside.

I took his hand, (food already demolished) and HE JUST HAD TO INTERRUPT. OF COURSE.

"Isabella would prefer to come with me, wouldn't you?" He tried purring it out, which prompted me to roll my eyes. Jasper looked at me, curiously.

"Piss off, Cullen. I've told you time and time again, I want nothing to do with you. Don't come near me again, or I'll have a restraining order set on you." I grumbled.

"Isabella... Why do you refuse me? We were destined!" He started to grow louder in volume. Honestly, he was acting like such a child.

Jasper then interjected aloofly. "I think the lady can make her own damn destiny, Edward. Leave her be, or Carlisle will hear of this. And don't think she didn't tell me everything." His interjection ended with a growl.

Both brothers were glaring at one another, Jasper slightly hunched over, almost into a stance when I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Don't waste your time. Come on, Alice is probably waiting." I grimaced. She's going to kill me.

Sure enough, after we had gotten out of the Canteen, Alice looked at both of us, annoyed.

How did she always know?

"Ugh, Bellaaaaa! Why? Stop giving him any attention! We've gone through this!" She whined, crossing her arms.

I pouted childishly. "It's not my fault he's a dick!"

Jasper just started walking and we ended up going into the library.

I ogled the shelves immediately, looking for Charlotte Bronté.

Jasper handed me the book, smiling.

"Thanks," I whispered, "How did you know I was looking for this?"

He grinned even wider. "You kept on mumbling it."

"Oh. Right. Yeah." I parenthesised, clasping the book within my arms.

We all sat down on a table, and Alice begun speaking.

"So, we're having a sleepover! And you're going." Alice chirped.

I groaned.

"If you're wondering about Edward, don't worry. Esme knows of your situation." She grinned, Jasper and Alice high fived each other.

I furrowed my eyebrows, confused. "How?"

Jasper simply pulled out a mobile phone, and said "Well, we may as well nip it in the bud. I doubt Esme will let him live after all of the beans you have to spill."

Alice added nonchalantly "Yeah, you'll be coming round ours for dinner tonight, by the way. Charlie knows, so don't worry."

"Okay?" I simply mumbled, flabberghasted. They're always so quick on the uptake...


End file.
